I recently had an article published at Rebelle Society called A Love Letter to my Inner Critic - which was a poetic telling of the way that I learnt to befriend my Inner Critic, rather than trying to silence her.

For years, I allowed my Inner Critic to tell me that I wasn’t talented, attractive, intelligent or knowledgable to become a coach, a writer, or - in fact - to do anything other than take low-paying, easy jobs and allow myself to be treated like dirt. The same thing happened with relationships - I put up with behaviour that I wasn’t happy with because the Inner Critic convinced me that I should be grateful that somebody nice wanted to be with me… and that I could never do better.

What changed? You may have noticed that, this year, I have published this website, produced consistent posts, and been all over social media with my courses. I certainly don’t think my content is flawless - but I’ve shifted my mindset from “everything has to be perfect before I release it” to “I’ll learn as I go”.

Part of this came from a powerful speech I watched from Joshua Freedman, CEO of Six Seconds, who talked about all the injustice, suffering and destruction in the world, and said “we don’t have TIME to sit around worrying about being good enough” (or something along those lines). Something shifted inside me at that moment, and I realised that I had lost far too much time hiding my light because I didn’t see myself as 'enough’.

Sometimes creativity comes form abandoning perfection ;)

What is the Inner Critic?

So what is an Inner Critic? Well, it’s that part of you that stops you from taking the next step - applying for that job, publishing that article, speaking your mind - because it’s whispering to you: “Who are you? You’re not good enough. Why would anyone listen to you? They’ll just laugh at you. You’re not talented enough to be a writer” or other variations of this.

Not everyone has an Inner Critic - in fact, not everyone “hears” words in their head in quite the same way. However, there may still be a part of all of us that tries to keep us in line.

Of course, this is just a helpful way to categorise a form of internal narrative that most of us have - Freud might have referred to this part as the superego, e.g. the “moral guardian” or internalised voice of our parents, which makes sure we don’t break social rules and find ourselves excluded.

Where does it come from? Well, as we grow up, we do take in messages from society - messages about what we should look like, how we should act, how we should dress, and about who we are. If we are mostly given harsh, controlling messages about ourselves, we are likely to take on those voices - continuing society’s control over ourselves even without those people continuing to be there! So yes, sadly this means that if you had very critical parents or teachers, if you were bullied, or if you were subjected to discrimination that meant you had to work harder than your peers, you are likely to have a pretty strong internal driving force, aka Inner Critic.

Of course, it can be helpful to have that little voice keeping us in line. It might encourage us to spell-check our work, to apologise for being rude, to check if we have spinach in our teeth before we record a video. It’s just that sometimes it gets a little… out of control.

If you’re speaking to yourself in a way that would be considered abusive if you were speaking to anybody else in the same way, then it’s time to look at the Critic.

How to handle the Inner Critic and Perfectionism

As I said, the goal isn’t to eliminate the Inner Critic - but to befriend it.

When I stopped and checked in with myself, asking the Inner Critic “Why are you so mean to me?”, a surprising answer came back…

“Because I want you to be the best you can be”.

It turned out my Inner Critic actually saw my potential. It DIDN’T think I was completely useless and horrible - it thought that I was capable of amazing things. It just didn’t know another way of motivating me.

When I really took the time to listen to my Inner Critic, to understand all of its fears and thoughts, I realised that it was mostly afraid. It was afraid of being judged, of being laughed at, of being cast out of society.

This makes sense - we have evolved to strongly desire belonging, because being ostracised from our tribe would have meant certain death for our ancestors. Fortunately, these days, there are several different “tribes” to which we can belong - so displeasing one person usually means we can find people who do appreciate us.

This week I’m running a FREE 4-DAY challenge called Banish Perfectionism, where we take a look at the Inner Critic and where perfectionism comes from.

Can we AFFORD to let the Inner Critic control us?
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"I can't release my website until it's perfect"... "I just need to do one more training course before I'll be qualified enough"... "I just need to buy these ten new books so I can really know what I'm talking about."⁣
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Did you know that generally men will apply for a job when they are only 60% qualified, while women will wait until they are 80-100% qualified before applying?

I really recommend checking out the TED talk or book “Why Do So Many Incompetent Men Become Leaders?” - where it turns out that we mistake confidence for competence - hence the cocky leader who doesn’t really have a clue, versus the timid but probably far smarter person who gets overlooked for a promotion.

We have been mistaking confidence for competence all these years. And look where that's gotten us.⁣ I don't know about you, but I'm done with sitting around waiting until I'm perfectly experienced, qualified and knowledgeable enough to be "allowed" to step up - in a world where others (mostly men) will just crash in with only a vague understanding of the issue. ⁣

While I love men (generally, the ones in my life anyway), it seems their energy has been allowed to run rampant and unchecked. The 'masculine' energy of always moving, doing, accomplishing, has not been balanced by the nurturing, creative, protective energy that asks - what about future generations? What about our children? What about the heart and soul?⁣
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I don't know if you're feeling it too, but I feel a strong, creative, powerful feminine energy rising up in the air right now, an energy that says "enough is enough", an energy that knows we need to do something to drastically change the course of humanity and the planet NOW.⁣
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And we can't do it when we're still worrying about being perfect. ⁣
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And nobody is going to give us permission to stand up and act, so stop waiting for it. ⁣
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Are you a perfectionist? Do you spend far too much time worrying what others think of you? And yet, deep down, you know you want to be part of making the world a better place?⁣

Come and join my free Banish Perfectionism challenge, or take a look at my upcoming 8-week course Unlocking Resilience, where we’ll delve into a number of topics - including how to handle difficult emotions, people pleasing, perfectionism, and confidence.