The problem with striving to be happy (especially during a global pandemic)

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to be productive and happy during quarantine? Feeling guilty that you have it easy, but that you’re still struggling with your emotions right now?

People often think that Positive Psychology is all about “the Science of Happiness” - that it’s a science-backed guide on how to think positively and to be happy in any situation. Spoiler: it’s not. In this article, I’m going to lay out why our unpleasant emotions have important messages for us, the problems with striving to be happy all the time, and how your concern for the world is not something that’s “wrong” with you, but something beautiful. I’ll also talk about how our society seems to be allergic to grief and terrified of sharing emotions in public.

There are evolutionary reasons behind all of our emotions. Fear, for example, helped to send the blood into our legs — hence the feeling of your face going white — and to pump adrenaline into the body so that we could run away from predators. Those who didn’t feel fear when they saw a lion running at them were not so likely to survive and pass on their genes (I talked about this in a lot of detail my webinar, EQ for Times of Crisis, which you can watch back here).

Just because an emotion doesn’t feel good, doesn’t mean it isn’t useful. If you don’t believe me, just imagine, for a moment, a person who feels happy and good all the time. At funerals. While reading about all the horrible things happening in the news. Is that the kind of person you’d want to hang out with?

Striving to feel happy all the time is not a realistic (or desirable) goal. In fact, studies show that the active pursuit of happiness can make you unhappy — the study, by Mauss, Tamir, Anderson and Savino (2011) found that the more we value happiness, the less happy we feel when in low-stress situations. In other words, the thought “my life is easy and stress-free right now — so why don’t I feel happy?” causes us to feel more disappointment at our own emotions, leading us to feel even worse.

The thing is, we seem to have confused “positive” with “feels good”. Just because excitement feels good doesn’t mean that it’s always serving us. There are plenty of times when sadness, fear, anger or guilt are actually appropriate emotions that nudge us to act in ways more likely to keep us alive and in good standing with our social circle — staying indoors when we’re afraid, standing up to injustice when we’re angry, or apologising for doing something wrong. The problems come when we experience these emotions at times when they do not benefit us or the people around us.

Of course, reframing, challenging our narratives and developing our emotional intelligence is a perfectly valid thing to do — in fact, I’d say it’s absolutely necessary for improving ourselves and creating a better world. This kind of deep work into EQ, thoughts and narratives is exactly what I’ve been covering in my recent course (Staying Grounded in Times of Crisis).

But if you think the aim is to be positive and happy all the time, you’re only going to be disappointed.

In fact, you may have fallen for one of the biggest marketing tricks of the millennium — the idea that a perfect, uninterrupted state of bliss is attainable (and something we can buy). We are told that if only we buy the latest clothes, achieve internet fame, get that perfect job, find that perfect partner, follow the right religion or find the right spiritual guru to lead us to enlightenment, then we’ll somehow be free of all human suffering.

So, let’s look at the current situation — most of us are either locked down in our homes with no idea of when we will be “free” again, or being forced to work in the middle of a pandemic. All of us face questions about whether or not we’ll have enough money to pay for rent, food, school, or — if you’re in a country that doesn’t provide basic care for its citizens — healthcare, next month.

Meanwhile, all the problems that were already problems haven’t gone away — inequality and racism become even more apparent than before. Refugees are still in refugee camps, more vulnerable to the virus than anyone. And, hey, what’s that on the horizon? Oh, yes, it’s climate change — let’s not forget about that one.

(Want to find out how working with me can help you to navigate all of this? Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call with me!)

I know you don’t WANT to feel anxious — nobody does. But if you’re beating yourself up for not being OK right now, then please take a deep breath and read on.

There are millions of reasons not to be OK right now. There always were. And let’s say, for a moment, that you are mostly unaffected by the coronavirus. Let’s say you are safe at home, financially OK, and nobody you know has been sick. If you’re not OK right now, then what does that mean?

Does it mean you’re a selfish a*hole who doesn’t appreciate what she’s got, and that you should just go and make some more gratitude lists? Maybe - but let’s be kind to each other and remember that change, whether pleasant or unpleasant, causes a lot of stress to our systems.

Or could your unease… perhaps… mean that you care about things happening outside of your immediate circle of influence? That, maybe, your circle of concern stretches beyond that of your family, your country, your tribe — and onto the whole world?

Could it be that you are concerned about the planet? Scared for future generations? Feeling the pain of those who are suffering, and grieving for what is lost — and will be lost?

Individualism has told us that if WE have a nice home, nice things, and plenty of money, then we should feel happy and contented — never mind those starving, poor children out there. They’re not YOUR problem — just keep your head down, go back to work, and keep buying things like a good little consumer.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like that story is getting old. That the idea that we are separate, that we can’t feel for other beings, that we can’t feel the grief of the world — serves only a select few. If we feel separate, then we compete against each other for the precious few resources that are left over for us.

Let me ask you this — what is the result of being told that humans are selfish creatures who only care about their own gratification and safety? And what is the result of that for people who are sensitive, who DO feel the pain of the world?

If you are an empath, a Highly Sensitive Person, an intuitive, or whatever word you want to use, then you may have felt as if you were crazy for caring so much about the suffering of others. Others may have told you to calm down, to count your blessings, or to stop worrying. But it’s not that simple for those of us who feel a deep yearning for a better world, who really feel the crushing pain of injustice and suffering — we really can’t just switch off the news and go back to binging on Netflix.

And that’s OK. It doesn’t mean you are broken or ungrateful — it means you pick up on things more than others do. I’m actually running a course soon called The Empaths’ Toolkit, where we look at how you can ‘tune’ your antennae so that you don’t get constantly overwhelmed with other people’s emotions. This is not a course in how to ‘switch off’ so that you feel nothing — but in how to use your sensitivity and empathy to be a force for good in the world.

I’d also like to rehash one of my favourite quotes:

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. Jidda Krishnamurti

I know it doesn’t feel nice to be angry, in grief, or sad. But is that not because, more often than not, we are left alone to deal with those feelings?

We are so afraid of ‘negativity’ as a society that we push those who are suffering aside, write them off as being too dramatic or sensitive, while simultaneously feeling that we can’t open up to people in our lives about the way we’re feeling. 

Let me ask you this — isn’t it ‘mad’ that we’re all struggling by ourselves with anxiety over the future, grief at the losses we’re seeing, fear over climate change, anger over the way the 1% and politicians treat the rest of us and the planet — and yet, we’re afraid to sit together and process those emotions in a group? That we expect, somehow, that “working through” those emotions alone or once a week with a therapist, while spending the rest of the time forcing ourselves to be happy and trying desperately to convince ourselves and others that our lives are just fine, will be enough?

As part of my training as a Work That Reconnects facilitator, I have participated in grief circles — spaces where people freely express their feelings about what is going on in the world. For me, recognising that my pain and anger about the world was shared by strangers across the world was liberating, freeing, and made me feel far more alive and energised afterwards.

I’m not saying that emotional sharing with strangers online is for everyone — but if it does sound like something that may work for you, I recommend finding an entry-level Work That Reconnects workshop, or looking for COVID-anxiety or climate-anxiety support groups online ( I am running one tonight, 29th April, and will do more if there is demand). 

Remember — it is OK not to feel OK. In fact, most people are not OK right now, and the more we deny it and try to pretend we’re all doing just great, the more harm we might do by making others feel that they ‘should’ be OK.

The idea that we should aim to be happy all the time is unrealistic, and only works to serve capitalism and make us feel even worse about ourselves. And there are a million reasons you might not feel OK right now — from the fact that you are experiencing the stress of huge, unprecedented changes, to the possibility that you are deeply empathic and able to feel the suffering of the world (whether or not you switch off the news). 

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Curious to learn more? Connect with me for a free 30-minute discovery call to see how my blend of the Work That Reconnects, emotional intelligence, mindfulness and psychology might help you to process everything that’s going on right now.